West Dunbartonshire Council Are Crap

Thank you West Dunbartonshire Council for cutting off the water supply today without telling anyone. It wasn't an emergency or anything that warranted a sudden cessation of H2O, and to be honest, no-one really knows why it was turned off for 4 fucking hours.
Some bozo from the council did stick up lots and lots and lots of 'Warning Notices' telling us good people that the water would be turned off between 9.30 and 12.30, but putting them up in great numbers at 11am doesn't make the action any less fucking stupid and annoying because everyone was already pissed off by about 9.35 when the water had been turned off without ANYONE being told.
I could go on and on and on about West Dunbartonshire Council, but I won't. Suffice to say, they are a bunch of useless cunts who couldn't run a fucking piss-up in a brewery and I would urge anyone who is considering a move to West Dunbartonshire for whatever reason to have a lobotomy first.

This Is The Best Website For Comics I've Seen...Today

If you're not familiar with comics (not The Beano or that 'Oor Wullie' shite, but proper comics with heroes like Batlad, Superguy and Spiderbloke) then you really should get yourself a comic from these guys (once they actually release one, that is) and do whatever it is you're supposed to do with them (I think you're supposed to read them while munching on Empire biscuits and slurping a nice cup of tea).

Just in case you can't wait for the release of the hotly-anticipated Issue Number 1 (and fuck knows we've waited long enough), then get yourself over to: http://www.orcomics.com/ where you can find links back to this blog or maybe even buy a t shirt or a hoodie. Just imagine how cool you'll look with your OR t shirt, so obscure (see??) that it reeks of cool. I'd buy one...no, fuck it, two...if I wasn't certain I was getting a freebie for writing all this.

I've been a member of the OR forum for ages and because of that I've got immunity from beatings for borrowing their logo, but don't let me stop you from making up your own mind when you follow the link to OR Comics and spend all the money you need for your insulin on their fine wares.

Is that enough?

Sweat...Pour Homme

Just so I don't get accused of being sexist, here's my contribution to the real world of perfume and after shave advertising...Pour Homme:
To hell with all the bulimic chicks and gawky guys that are always used to advertise perfume and aftershave, let's have a bit of honesty. For my own brand of scent pour les femmes et les hommes (it's all the same anyway): Sweat.

Fuck all the arty-farty shite. No-one uses perfume or aftershave to smell nice, but to cover up not-nice smells like body odour (particularly those smelly genitals), not-too-fragrant clothes, and as a last-minute stand in for when we run out of Lynx or whatever chicks use instead of Lynx.

And anyway, fat chicks and dudes wear perfume and after shave too, although the stench of their blubbery-arsed body odour can easily drown out the aroma of any industrial-strength, cheap-as-fuck and faked perfume (see the dodgy guys selling HUGE bottles of potentially carcinogenic and untested-on-fluffy bunnies shit in Shitebank shopping centre for further details).

Smells Like...Fat Chick Sweat

I don't know about you by I'm pretty sure that there's about a billion ads on TV this year for perfume and after shave. They're on the telly all the bloody time and they're all so similar it's like watching the same one over and over again. Skinny, intense women and hunky, stubbly guys all gazing at far-off shit or chasing each other over trains or getting sand in their bum crack. Bloody big Y-A-W-N. I'll carry on watching them though because they're generally better than the telly programmes that interrupt them and I'm hoping that at least one maverick advertising agency will throw the formula book out of the window and use a fat chick for a change:

Come on. You know you want to.

Happy Birthday To De-evolvinG

Yeah. One year old today. Where's my present, you miserable cock-faced tightarse?

I even had to draw the tits on the woman coming out of the cake because, despite it being De-evolvinG's first birthday, no-one thought of getting me a whore, let alone a bloody card.

I even had to draw her bush too, you miserable tossers.

Staff At The Evil Empire Will Wipe Your Arse

As Santa's birthday gets closer the Evil Empire gets fuller and busier with drones and bumholes intent on buying shite they would normally never poke at with a shitty stick. I, like the other bumhole drones found myself in the Evil Empire, bedazzled by all the shiny and sparkly Chrimbo crap.
I had to go up the travelator to go to the toy bit (I was planning to buy myself a Mr Potato Head for purposes of voodoo magic), and, for a change, it was free of annoying sprogs, oldies and fatties, so I walked quickly up it only to be accosted by one of the Evil Empire's Stormtroopers at the top who told me off for walking on the travelator:
Stormtrooper: Excuse me, sir. You're not supposed to walk on the travelator.
Me: Eh?
Stoormtrooper: There's no walking on the travelator.
Me: Why?
Stormtrooper: It's for safety reasons. There might be an accident if you fell.
Me: If I fell? Walking? but I'm an experienced walker. I've got 40 years experience, most of them without falling.
Stormtrooper: No, it's what it's here for, the travelator, so that customers don't have to walk.
Me: Fair enough. No walking...Is there any chance you could wait here for me and take me to the toilet? I need someone to wipe my arse.
So there. The Evil Empire is so keen to gets its giant, corporate mitts on your cash that it trains its minions to pander to your basic human needs, like walking and having a clean bum.
True.
Please tune in tomorrow because it's De-evolvinG's first birthday, with lots of presents* and cake**.

*No presents
**No cake either.

A Must-Have Quality Christmas Present

I'm only giving up valuable blog space otherwise reserved for slagging off Michelle McMaunus and her gargantuan sweaty arse to try and punt more copies of this book because I contributed to it. Once the production costs have been covered and the editor's filled his sticky paws I might just get enough to buy myself a small bag of chips (but no pickle):

The Newsarse book. Yes, only funny because I wrote an article, which ironically is the only funny article. The rest of the book is shit and totally not worth the money, unless you want to read the article I wrote. Apart from that everybody has a use for a shit book, like propping up a wobbly table or emergency toilet paper.

Despite the editor telling me that it was being advertised on the Newsarse website, which it isn't (Advertising 101 - Advertise Your Wares), if you're utterly desperate to waste £9.99 on a book that's about as funny as bum cancer then you can buy it from the following link (which the editor also got wrong in his email): http://bit.ly/5sMTSC

Be one of the first (or is that 'the few'?) to own a book of which reviewers said: '...only funny because I wrote an article...not worth the money...a shit book...emergency toilet paper.'

Go on, you miserable Scrooge monkeys. It's fucking Christmas. It's only a tenner. No, really. What else could you spend a tenner on that would make you laugh so much? (Apart from a tenner bag of grass?)