National Talk Like A Deranged Fucknut Day

Today IS National Talk Like A Pirate Day, for some reason or another. Apparently it's got hundreds of thousands of followers, which is bad news for anyone who says 'aaahahahaarrrggg' to me in the Evil Empire later on today. Might just find themselves walking the gangplank, or to give it its modern equivalent, walking away doubled over and clutching their recently hoofed balls.
On that note I thought it would be beneficial for those fucknuts out there who think it's 'fun' to spend a whole day talking like a pirate - and I'm pretty sure real pirates back in the day NEVER said shite like 'me hearty' or 'nyar' - to know some proper pirate terms:
shiver me timbers - I'm a collosal wanker
splice the mainbrace - I molest children
ahoy me hearties - I like to be the gimp in big gay gangbangs
pieces of eight - I like to pour methylated spirits up my pee-hole
etc etc....
Johnnie Derp, aka Cap'n Jack Swallow of those terrible Pirates of the Ciribea..Carrib...Caribe... those bloody films with all those wankers in it. Of course pirates were never like Johnnie and his mates. Pirates were vicious bastards who did horrible things to dolphins and anything else with a reasonably-sized hole on their person, not some stupid Cockernee jibber-jabber monkey bollocks. Right, I'm off to find some timbers to shiver...